This sumo wrestling under the Federation, all these camps and foreign coaches, my father would ask—are they learning to cut the kokum for the right sour? I see the boys from the big cities have zait fancy gear, but they cannot hold a steady fire under a vindaloo pot. Here at the bus stand, we have boys who bail water from the monsoon puddles for years, they know balance. Maybe the real problem is not coaching, but that the ones who fund everything have never had to stretch a rupee of toddy vinegar to last the week.

Rugby is like making good vindaloo — you can't rush the ferment, zait patience required. Used to watch the Goan boys play at Campal ground between monsoons, and I swear the scrum is just like my old man kneading the pork mass: it needs proper weight, not just flashy kicks. These Six Nations commentators go on about tactics, but I listen for the grunt, the same way I listen for toddy vinegar bubbling right, telling you it's ready, no fancy talk needed.